Story of my depression.

I have decided to finally make the one post I have dreaded most.  I  never really had the words, and I have said it before that I don't want to appear as a saint or someone perfect and holy. I just want to be real. Hopefully someone can get something out of my story. 

My anxiety and depression started when I was 12 -13. I had just moved from California to Ohio.
It took me a long time to try to make friends. I tried, and no matter where I went I felt like the odd one out. I was always the reject that nobody wanted to talk to.  My faith was just me going through the motions. I went to church because I had to, not because I wanted to, and I was very angry


Over time, I got involved with the wrong crowd.
But I also met decent people later on.

In social events, I was there, but I wasn't truly "there" at the same time. Not mentally. Social events have always drained me.  This comic strip is my life, wake up with a cloud of darkness, and put on my happy outfit to face the world.


I know now that this is my cross.  I have been misunderstood, teased, called names and worst of all, I have been judged.  I have lost friends, have been rejected from social groups and live in a near constant state of paranoia because my heart has been broken one too many times from people and that's not a scar that just simply goes away.  Deep down inside I'm always thinking: "Who's the next person that's going to leave me"  "Who's going to give up on me today" "They must hate me."  My entire self confidence  has been shot.  My mind is full of voices that says things like:
"You're worthless."
"You're ugly."
"Nobody will ever love you." and the list goes on.

 Every day I struggle to keep my mental filter working.  I do this so I don't do something stupid, say something stupid, upset someone, over react over something, or have a panic attack over something that isn't even worth it.  It's so hard. I can't always do it. I lose the battle a lot of times.

 I have been told I need to pray more, I need to take more vitamins, I need to change my diet, I need to do all these things…..as if it is my fault and I can change it.  If prayer – and begging – could cure me, I wouldn’t be writing this.

I can't explain why I feel the way I do 90% of the time. Sometimes it just hits me, the way the ocean hits the shore. Fast, hard, and all at once. Suddenly I'm drowning in emotion before I can even think of how to stop it.  

I can go from feeling absolutely happy, content, and on top of the world. The next minute, I can be angry, hate the world, and everything in it..often accompanied by severe depression.

I often pray I'll see the light, and maybe the light isn't so far away. It's only a matter of time before something in my life changes, or I finally get the help that I need. Hope stands for:
Hold On Pain Ends.

I live for moments, because I never know what later will bring.  Something that happened to me recently, when I was at my lowest, with darkness clouding my mind for days... I finally heard something. A soft whisper.
 "Hey...... hey....hey!"
I ignored it, and went on about my day.
Until it continued.... "Hey!  I love you!"  "I'm always here with you."
I felt such warmth, comfort,  even if it was just for a moment.  I know it was Jesus.


I want you all to know I am doing better than I was. Not to say I still don't struggle, but I can manage easier than before after having gone to counseling over the summer.
If anyone else is struggling,
I want to share this prayer with you:

O Christ Jesus,
when all is darkness
and we feel our weakness and helplessness,
give us the sense of Your presence,
Your love, and Your strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
in Your protecting love
and strengthening power,
so that nothing may frighten or worry us,
for, living close to You,
we shall see Your hand,
Your purpose, Your will through all things.

By Saint Ignatius of Loyola