Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Loneliness



I haven't written in a very long time, but I miss it terribly.  I keep on coming to my blog and I stare at it with the intention to write, but nothing ever comes to my mind.  I've been debating between: "should I write with just raw, honest, emotion?" or "should I write and preach, even though my own spiritual life is struggling?" I would feel hypocritical.   I can't write when I'm struggling in a spiritual sense.  There is much that I am confused about in my own spiritual life.  Because of this confusion, I will be leaving for California next month, and I'll be starting a new life, while getting my spiritual life in order. I appreciate your prayers.

 I have chosen to write with an honest approach. I'm not sure why, but to this day I still receive numerous comments telling me to continue to write, and that pushes me to want to write. I never made it "big" in the blogging world, but to the few that did take the time to read...I appreciate it. Some of you have actually expressed that my posts help you in your own spiritual life. I'll admit, when I first started writing I just did it for me. I didn't really expect to have any readers. To know that I have been able to help some people is amazing, and I couldn't have done it without the grace of God.

To those that read my page, I see you as friends automatically. To my friends, I don't want to hide when I'm in the darkest of times. Struggling is part of the Christian life.  We aren't saints yet. All I've ever been on this blog was real. I can't count how many times I've mentioned suffering . 

I suppose the reason why I've mentioned suffering a lot in my writings is because I have had my share of suffering. In fact, I deal with it daily. I suffer from depression, and that's the cross I have to endure. Some days are easier than others, I'll admit. Because of this,  I'm forced to live for joyful moments because I never know what tomorrow will bring. Even in the worst case scenario, I still try to find beauty in everything. I never feel defeated, because I never give up.

I always tell myself "This too, shall pass" and that has always helped me through hard times.
Though I don't always feel God, I trust He's there. I know He watches over me and loves me.  That reminder is enough for me to make it another day.


 One of the main struggles I've been dealing with is loneliness. Loneliness is something we all struggle with, and it becomes even harder when you feel like you can no longer hear God.  I think part of the problem for me is I tune Him out with various distractions and often my depression (and sin) alters my way of thinking to the point where I feel unworthy.  "Why would He want anything to do with me?" I start thinking to myself.   When you no longer can hear God, you feel like you are wandering without any sense of direction. Before you know it you find yourself going off the path of righteousness. In my own life, I am convinced that God has been a jealous God. Every friend I meet has either ended up not turning out to be a true friend, or they suddenly leave without reason, continuously. I feel like God is purposely making it so I am alone, and I'll admit. It makes me angry until I remember He's probably doing it for a good reason.  For what reason? I'm not sure. I suppose it's just so I can grow in holiness without distractions, and perhaps that's what we are all called to as Christians--is to be detached in some way. As a mother, father, husband, wife, or a working man/woman..I understand it must be hard to prioritize our time. But, there is 24 hours a day. It comes down to what we choose to do with it. We are called as Christians to make time to adore our Lord. Whether it's saying the rosary on the way to work, or doing an hour of adoration, or going to daily mass, or just saying 3 Hail Mary's as you wake. Nobody is ever "too busy".  It helps to keep your mind fixated on Heaven, because ultimately that should be our goal.
My own mother shared this wonderful quote with me, and it made me think.

"Jesus, Mary, The Cross: I want no other friends but these." St. Bernadette Soubirous

That should be all we want.  Easier said than done, right?  Unfortunately we seem to forget who our real friends are--- Jesus, Mary, and those in Heaven. We can't lose sight of who our real friends are. Especially right now in this day and age when darkness and evil is most active. Satan will come to us the second we choose to despair. We must stay strong.  We have no idea what true loneliness really is. The only true loneliness there is, exists in hell. Imagine hell having a special place reserved for you in the darkest corner, away from everyone,  and your only friend is agony because you can't be with Christ, and that kills you.  Next time you feel alone, remember what St. Teresa of Calcutta said:
"The terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved." Even she understands.
We crave love, because we were designed to love and be loved.  Only God can fulfill this need.

Let us pray the litany of humility.
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O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.


That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I,
 provided that I may become as holy as I should…
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Pax Christi,
~Layna


1 comment:

thomas said...

i know i should have read this long ago. it is very good and you should read more. as always i am praying for you