Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Story of my depression.

I have decided to finally make the one post I have dreaded most.  I  never really had the words, and I have said it before that I don't want to appear as a saint or someone perfect and holy. I just want to be real. Hopefully someone can get something out of my story. 
My anxiety and depression started when I was 12 -13. I had just moved from California to Ohio.
It took me a long time to try to make friends. I tried, and no matter where I went I felt like the odd one out. I was always the reject that nobody wanted to talk to.  My faith was just me going through the motions. I went to church because I had to, not because I wanted to, and I was very angry


Over time, I got involved with the wrong crowd.
But I also met decent people later on.

In social events, I was there, but I wasn't truly "there" at the same time. Not mentally. Social events have always drained me.  This comic strip is my life, wake up with a cloud of darkness, and put on my happy outfit to face the world.


I know now that this is my cross.  I have been misunderstood, teased, called names and worst of all, I have been judged.  I have lost friends, have been rejected from social groups and live in a near constant state of paranoia because my heart has been broken one too many times from people and that's not a scar that just simply goes away.  Deep down inside I'm always thinking: "Who's the next person that's going to leave me"  "Who's going to give up on me today" "They must hate me."  My entire self confidence  has been shot.  My mind is full of voices that says things like:
"You're worthless."
"You're ugly."
"Nobody will ever love you." and the list goes on.

 Every day I struggle to keep my mental filter working.  I do this so I don't do something stupid, say something stupid, upset someone, over react over something, or have a panic attack over something that isn't even worth it.  It's so hard. I can't always do it. I lose the battle a lot of times.

 I have been told I need to pray more, I need to take more vitamins, I need to change my diet, I need to do all these things…..as if it is my fault and I can change it.  If prayer – and begging – could cure me, I wouldn’t be writing this.

I can't explain why I feel the way I do 90% of the time. Sometimes it just hits me, the way the ocean hits the shore. Fast, hard, and all at once. Suddenly I'm drowning in emotion before I can even think of how to stop it.  
I can go from feeling absolutely happy, content, and on top of the world. The next minute, I can be angry, hate the world, and everything in it..often accompanied by severe depression.
I often pray I'll see the light, and maybe the light isn't so far away. It's only a matter of time before something in my life changes, or I finally get the help that I need. Hope stands for:
Hold On Pain Ends.

I live for moments, because I never know what later will bring.  Something that happened to me recently, when I was at my lowest, with darkness clouding my mind for days... I finally heard something. A soft whisper.
 "Hey...... hey....hey!"
I ignored it, and went on about my day.
Until it continued.... "Hey!  I love you!"  "I'm always here with you."
I felt such warmth, comfort,  even if it was just for a moment.  I know it was Jesus.


I want you all to know I am doing better than I was. Not to say I still don't struggle, but I can manage easier than before after having gone to counseling over the summer.

If anyone else is struggling,
I want to share this prayer with you:

Christ Jesus,
when all is darkness
and we feel our weakness and helplessness,
give us the sense of Your presence,
Your love, and Your strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
in Your protecting love
and strengthening power,
so that nothing may frighten or worry us,
for, living close to You,
we shall see Your hand,
Your purpose, Your will through all things.

By Saint Ignatius of Loyola

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Porn industry and modesty



I thought I would take the time to write about something a bit different. It's something I am passionate about. I love books, and I enjoy reading as much as the next person. Unfortunately, I believe that there are some books that should simply be burned due to the fact that they are poisonous to the mind.There is a book called 50 Shades of Grey, and recently the movie came out. As a female, I must say I find it rather appalling due to the fact that they constantly engage in BSDM--and to those that are not aware of what this is, it's nothing more than  a celebration of rape, pain, abuse, and disrespect towards a human being. This is the constant trash that you would find in porn. Porn treats a body not as glorious reflections of the image of God, but as sources of sin and temptation.

I'm not sure what I'm more concerned about. The fact that this is socially "acceptable" entertainment, or the fact that women enjoy reading this. The core to this is: we don't have a positive example for our children. The divorce rate is 50%. We live in a society where broken families is the norm, and we have kids growing up without a mother or a father..sometimes both.  In this instance, I will be speaking about fathers. There are many girls growing up without that father figure. A girl's first love should be her father. Unfortunately, in today's society this isn't always the case.   A father should be there to give the parental love and affection they need, and to show them what they deserve for later on in life.   Boys, never having a male role model around to tell them how to treat women with respect and love. Aside from our paternal father, we should be looking to our Heavenly Father first and foremost as the ultimate example.

But, what is teaching our children?  The porn industry, which teaches us violence against a human being. It teaches us to degrade another life. Some would use the term "violence against women", but two people take part in the act, both people are at fault in my eyes.
Let's look at some statistics:
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  • 80% of 15-17 year olds have been exposed to hard core porn.
  • 67% of men and 59% of women said that porn was acceptable.
  • Studies have shown porn is more addictive than heroin or cocaine. 
On top of all of this, we have sex trafficking that takes place in the world. We are disgusted at those who would hold women and children as sex slaves, deny them their human rights, and make them mere objects for sexual pleasure. At the same time, pornography is tolerated, accepted, openly defended, and even celebrated. What you might not know is that many women and children who are being sexually exploited and trafficked are also being used for the production of pornography.

Reading these statistics saddens me, especially since I have known people that have struggled with porn. It breaks my heart. Impurity chains your heart, and clouds your mind. What you choose to feed your brain makes a difference. To those that struggle, every single time my advice is to pray constantly.  Pray for the graces to be pure, and stay close to Mary through the Rosary. Even though porn may not seem "real", it is.  You aren't dealing with just a woman. You aren't dealing with just a man.You are dealing with a daughter of God. You are dealing with a son of God. His creations are meant to be respected and loved. His creations are not meant to be mistreated, abused, and lusted after for ones own selfish pleasure.   Treat him/her, accordingly. It might take more than prayer to beat the addiction. I highly suggest spiritual guidance/counseling.   Because it is a selfish act, true love becomes harder to find.  Love is about self giving and sacrifice. Christ is the perfect example of love.

One should really contemplate on the selfish aspect alone.
Just try to imagine. You are spending hours pleasuring yourself to impure images and various videos, you begin to become obsessed not only to the pornographic material, but to yourself. You don't know how to embrace the sacrifice that true love is designed for. Instead you view others as toys for your own selfish entertainment that are designed to fulfill  every want and need—just like the pornographic material. A Christ love is about giving and serving. It's about sacrifice. What kind of love is narcissistic and abusive?

So, what can we do to help others remain pure?
Scripture gives us the answer. 1 Corinthians Chapter 6: 19-20: 

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own. For you have been purchased at a price. Therefore, glorify God in your body.
Dress modestly. This goes for men and women.
I don't think heat should be an excuse for wearing -less- fabric. Even if it was 80-90 degrees out, it's still not an excuse. In fact, that excuse alone really frustrates me. There is a way to look cute, stylish, and still be cool and comfortable. You don't have to wear short shorts to be cool and comfortable. You can wear a cute knee length summer dress, and a nice necklace, just as an example. Maybe you have a low cut top hanging in your closet, but you can layer your clothing. You can wear a knee length, light, airy skirt.



Whether you do it for attention or not, you're still going to get attention. But what kind of attention? The wrong kind. How you dress says something about a person. It's how you are presenting yourself to the world. It may not matter to you, but it does matter because people see it. Men are more visual, and this may be an occasion of sin for them. We have an opportunity, to make people see more--and not in a bad sense. When you dress in short shorts, mini skirts, or have a low cut top on, they are going to see just that. They are going to see you for your BODY.You aren't giving them the full picture. In my opinion, if a woman were to dress in a sense that had decency--then it would show off all your inner beauty. Then people would love you for YOU and not your body.   This is the problem with porn, and Pope John Paul II said it: "The problem with porn is that it doesn't show enough." It doesn't show the inner beauty. It doesn't show the beautiful bond that takes place between husband and wife.

As women, we get defensive about our taste in fashion. We have to understand that our fashion shows off who we are--keep that in mind. It's the first impression people will have of us. It's not completely our fault, certain styles have become so "acceptable" in today's society. The media is constantly coming out with new  trends. What it really comes down to is how much you are willing to conform to society and its ways. Think for just a moment....Are you living on this earth to be accepted by a temporary world or accepted by God's infinite loving eyes? His opinion should be the only opinion that actually matters.  Our Lord is not pleased with these fashions, nor is Our Lady.

"Our Lady of Fatima:More souls go to hell for sins of the flesh than for any other reason.
Our Lady of Fatima to Jacinta:Certain fashions will be introduced which will offend Our Divine Lord very much. Those who serve God ought not to follow these fashions. The Church has no fashions. Our Lord is always the same.
Our Lady of Fatima to Jacinta:Woe to women wanting in modesty.
Our Lady of Fatima to Jacinta:Many marriages are not of God and do not please Our Lord.

Today let us offer up our day for the sins of the flesh.
Mary, Mother most pure, and Joseph, chaste guardian of the Virgin, to you I entrust the purity of my soul and body. I beg you to plead with God for me that I may never for the remainder of my life soil my soul by any sin of impurity. I earnestly wish to be pure in thought, word and deed in imitation of your own holy purity. Obtain for me a deep sense of modesty, which will be reflected in my external conduct. Protect my eyes, the windows of my soul, from anything that might dim the luster of a heart that must mirror only Christ-like purity. And when the “Bread of Angels” becomes my food in Holy Communion, seal my heart forever against the suggestions of sinful pleasures. Finally, may I be among the number of those of whom Jesus spoke, “Blessed are the pure of heart for they shall see God.” Amen. 

Pax Christi,
Layna

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

The battle is near.




I have spoken before about a dream I've had when I was 6, but I never shared the one I had when I was 17. I was staying in California when I had this dream. In my dream I saw a battlefield. This battlefield wasn't like an ordinary battlefield on land. Though the entire dream was in sepia coloring, I still saw shadows, smoke, fire, and light. There were two different sides. Heaven's army had some followers, but not as much. It was small. The front line was Christ, the angels, Saints, and a man wearing a papal hat. Satan's army was much larger, with "important"  leaders.  Christ and Satan were both starting to look to the side lines for followers. Numerous people started walking to join the army of Satan. Angels and demons began fighting to death.  Then it flashed to a scene where one angel stabbed the head demon...then there was a flash of white and I woke up.

I have said it before but that's the purpose of this banner. I want to make people think: "Which army are you a part of?" Because now more than ever, I truly believe there's a battle going on, and it's only going to get worse.  We are living in the times of Fatima, and we need to be on guard, and ready. There is a battle within the Church, within the media, and within the entire world. We are called to grow closer to Christ and to prepare ourselves for the difficult times to come. I recall a Saint that said something along the lines of "think of Heaven daily". We should think of Heaven daily. Hourly, even. We can't lose sight of Heaven.   Christ calls us in many ways, and that might just be through suffering. When things get hard, we shouldn't despair, but rejoice and be glad. It is through despair, that we invite the works of Satan.  I can't stress doing penance enough. Even the message of Fatima stresses doing penance.




"In the Gospels the word penance means a conversion of one's life, a turning away from sin, and a turning back to God. As Our Lady insisted at Fatima: "Men must amend their lives, and ask pardon for their sins. . . . They must no longer offend Our Lord, Who is already so much offended." The Fatima message is a call for men to give up sinful practices which grieve God and draw down His chastisements on the world, and to make reparation for them. Commenting on Our Lady's request for penance, Sr. Lucia wrote: "The part of the last apparition which has remained most deeply imprinted on my heart is the prayer of our heavenly Mother begging us not to offend any more Almighty God, Who is already so much offended."Jacinta, too, shortly before her death remarked: "If men only knew what eternity is, how they would make all possible efforts to amend their lives . . . mortification and sacrifice give great pleasure to Our Divine Lord."In August of 1917 Our Lady told the children, "pray much and make sacrifices for sinners, for many souls go to hell because there is no one to make sacrifices for them."

We must do penance.  For our own sins, for the souls in purgatory, and for sinners everywhere. We have the choice to do penance here on earth, with the time we have, or to do it in purgatory. We have to learn how to value our time. So often we waste it. I am guilty of this. It's hard.  Instead of watching your favorite television show, why not "fast" from it that day and do some spiritual reading? This is just one example. I have encountered others. While I was on a 5 day silent retreat, one of the priests never ate dinner the entire time. He often paced around with a rosary in his hand, while silently reading the Liturgy of the Hours. I found this inspirational. If you choose to do penance you will see a great difference in yourself, and perhaps others might begin to see it in you.  Some ways we can do penance is by offering up:

*An illness
*Any ache or pain
*Facing that slow driver on the road that loves to test your patience.
*Abstaining from food (like meat).
*Extra prayer
*Acts of charity
*Denying yourself comfort (like staying in bed for those extra 10 minutes)
So often we sin, and brush it off like it's nothing. Maybe we'll go to confession, but how serious are we about our sins? It should pain us. We should weep, because are the ones that did this to Jesus.

What are we going to do about it? When are we going to learn? When are we going to follow Him?
Are we going to wait until it's too late or are we going to join the battle and fight with Him?


“This Beloved of ours is merciful and good. Besides, he so deeply longs for our love that he keeps calling us to come closer. This voice of his is so sweet that the poor soul falls apart in the face of her own inability to instantly do whatever he asks of her. And so you can see, hearing him hurts much more than not being able to hear him… For now, his voice reaches us through words spoken by good people, through listening to spiritual talks, and reading sacred literature. God calls to us in countless little ways all the time. Through illnesses and suffering and through sorrow he calls to us. Through a truth glimpsed fleetingly in a state of prayer he calls to us. No matter how halfhearted such insights may be, God rejoices whenever we learn what he is trying to teach us.” 
 St Teresa of Avila 


I don't write this to discourage you, but to make you aware. One should make a healthy practice of doing an examination of conscience daily. This will help us learn from our habits.  Stay close to Christ. I'm also doing this because I'm angry. I'm tired of seeing the world slap God in the face through abortion, through homosexuality, through pornography. Etc.  Why yes, I can understand how "fun" pornography must feel in the moment. Good things are not always GOD things. God only wants what's best for us, but we don't listen. How can we listen when we're too caught up in latest news, the latest car coming out, the latest fashion trend, the latest iPhone, sports, etc.   It makes me sick, really. Open your eyes, and listen. God is calling you. Follow Him! 

“Let nothing disturb you,Let nothing frighten you,All things are passing away:God never changes.Patience obtains all things.Whoever has God lacks nothing;God alone suffices.” ― St Theresa of Avila 

~Pax Christi,
Layna

Loneliness



I haven't written in a very long time, but I miss it terribly.  I keep on coming to my blog and I stare at it with the intention to write, but nothing ever comes to my mind.  I've been debating between: "should I write with just raw, honest, emotion?" or "should I write and preach, even though my own spiritual life is struggling?" I would feel hypocritical.   I can't write when I'm struggling in a spiritual sense.  There is much that I am confused about in my own spiritual life.  Because of this confusion, I will be leaving for California next month, and I'll be starting a new life, while getting my spiritual life in order. I appreciate your prayers.

 I have chosen to write with an honest approach. I'm not sure why, but to this day I still receive numerous comments telling me to continue to write, and that pushes me to want to write. I never made it "big" in the blogging world, but to the few that did take the time to read...I appreciate it. Some of you have actually expressed that my posts help you in your own spiritual life. I'll admit, when I first started writing I just did it for me. I didn't really expect to have any readers. To know that I have been able to help some people is amazing, and I couldn't have done it without the grace of God.

To those that read my page, I see you as friends automatically. To my friends, I don't want to hide when I'm in the darkest of times. Struggling is part of the Christian life.  We aren't saints yet. All I've ever been on this blog was real. I can't count how many times I've mentioned suffering . 

I suppose the reason why I've mentioned suffering a lot in my writings is because I have had my share of suffering. In fact, I deal with it daily. I suffer from depression, and that's the cross I have to endure. Some days are easier than others, I'll admit. Because of this,  I'm forced to live for joyful moments because I never know what tomorrow will bring. Even in the worst case scenario, I still try to find beauty in everything. I never feel defeated, because I never give up.

I always tell myself "This too, shall pass" and that has always helped me through hard times.
Though I don't always feel God, I trust He's there. I know He watches over me and loves me.  That reminder is enough for me to make it another day.


 One of the main struggles I've been dealing with is loneliness. Loneliness is something we all struggle with, and it becomes even harder when you feel like you can no longer hear God.  I think part of the problem for me is I tune Him out with various distractions and often my depression (and sin) alters my way of thinking to the point where I feel unworthy.  "Why would He want anything to do with me?" I start thinking to myself.   When you no longer can hear God, you feel like you are wandering without any sense of direction. Before you know it you find yourself going off the path of righteousness. In my own life, I am convinced that God has been a jealous God. Every friend I meet has either ended up not turning out to be a true friend, or they suddenly leave without reason, continuously. I feel like God is purposely making it so I am alone, and I'll admit. It makes me angry until I remember He's probably doing it for a good reason.  For what reason? I'm not sure. I suppose it's just so I can grow in holiness without distractions, and perhaps that's what we are all called to as Christians--is to be detached in some way. As a mother, father, husband, wife, or a working man/woman..I understand it must be hard to prioritize our time. But, there is 24 hours a day. It comes down to what we choose to do with it. We are called as Christians to make time to adore our Lord. Whether it's saying the rosary on the way to work, or doing an hour of adoration, or going to daily mass, or just saying 3 Hail Mary's as you wake. Nobody is ever "too busy".  It helps to keep your mind fixated on Heaven, because ultimately that should be our goal.
My own mother shared this wonderful quote with me, and it made me think.

"Jesus, Mary, The Cross: I want no other friends but these." St. Bernadette Soubirous

That should be all we want.  Easier said than done, right?  Unfortunately we seem to forget who our real friends are--- Jesus, Mary, and those in Heaven. We can't lose sight of who our real friends are. Especially right now in this day and age when darkness and evil is most active. Satan will come to us the second we choose to despair. We must stay strong.  We have no idea what true loneliness really is. The only true loneliness there is, exists in hell. Imagine hell having a special place reserved for you in the darkest corner, away from everyone,  and your only friend is agony because you can't be with Christ, and that kills you.  Next time you feel alone, remember what St. Teresa of Calcutta said:
"The terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved." Even she understands.
We crave love, because we were designed to love and be loved.  Only God can fulfill this need.

Let us pray the litany of humility.
__________________________________________
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.


That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I,
 provided that I may become as holy as I should…
___________________________________________________


Pax Christi,
~Layna


Saturday, June 8, 2013

A new chapter.



My dear friends, 

I apologize for never writing and just disappearing. In all honesty, I have been through a lot since my last post. Work, meeting new people, experiencing new challenges, personal struggles, and spiritual struggles. I lost focus on my spirituality in a deep sense. While I still attended mass,  I wasn't "devout".  I went through a very dark and dry time. My prayer life became less and less and I got wrapped up in the world and it's struggles. I allowed the darkness to take over me. Writing has always been a hobby for me, but it has always been different. If my soul was right with God, then it would be His words and not my own.  There were times where I would come back to my blog,  start a headline,  and I would stare blankly at the text box....I didn't know what to say. What could I say? I was so far from God, and no longer could hear Him, or feel Him working through me in a spiritual sense.  I knew what was right, I desired God, but I had a hard time finding Him. I felt like anything I taught, wrote, or spoke of in my blog would be hypocritical because of where I was in my own spiritual life. In all honesty, when I write that's when I feel God present the most. (Aside from Mass and adoration). I know the most peace I had in my life when I was writing on here like crazy. 

Recently, I left my home to go on Ignatian silent retreat up in Los Gatos, California with my Grandma. I stayed in California and took 6 weeks to really get my spiritual life back on track, which was probably the best experience of my life, and the retreat truly reset my entire way of thinking.  I even have an entire new outlook on the religious life and I am discerning again.  Some of you know that I was looking into the Children of Mary for a while, and I still am, but they don't feel "as high up" on my list anymore. When I was in California, I met a wonderful Catholic woman that is a 3rd order Carmelite and she taught me a lot about different orders. She mentioned the "Sisters of Mary Mother of the Church" in Spokane, WA. A very traditional order that does the Latin mass and has everything that I am interested in. Semi contemplative, prays for priests, works with the sick, does youth ministry, and works with music. http://www.sistersofmarymotherofthechurch.org

As for the retreat, I
 will be writing about the retreat another day, but right now I wish to say something else. I'm writing this for meditation purposes. 

6 weeks ago today... I lost someone that meant a lot to me.  A wonderful guy I met  that was funny, sweet, and caring.  I enjoyed spending time with him. 
Though I found it hard to comprehend, I accepted it. Though I didn't like it, I knew it was for the better. I would be lying if I said all is fine and well. I have days with a dull ache in my chest, where I still wonder why. Why did it end? Was it something I said or did? I foolishly start blaming myself. It wasn't until now I realized: We weep for the ones we love, but when it comes to God... the one who has never left our sides...how often do we weep for Him? How often are we like Jesus in the garden, seeking help from the Father? How often do our hearts hunger for Him? He cries for us, and ardently thirsts to be loved. Why aren't we running back to Him? Why is it just so easy for us to forget that He is the only one that will never leave us?  If you asked me to describe what it feels like to fall in love with God, I would describe it as a never ending poem that you fall in love with. Not just any poem, but a poem written so eloquently, a poem so simplistic, but leaves you breathless. After each line, you crave more, and when you finally reach the heart of the poem, you feel His hands embracing your soul. You know Him. You know yourself. You know love. You know God. This, in itself, is enough.

Pax Christi,

~Layna

Act of Consecration to the Sacred Heart of Jesus

O Adorable Heart of Jesus, the tenderest, the most amiable, the most generous of allhearts! Penetrated with gratitude at the sight of Thy benefits, I come to consecrate myself wholly and unreservedly to Thee! I wish to devote all my energies to propating Thy worship and winning, if possible, all hearts to Thee.
Receive my heart this day, O Jesus. Or rather take it, change it, purify it, to render it worthy of Thee; make it humble, gentle, patient, faithful, and generous like Thine, by inflaming it with the fire of Thy love. Hide it in Thy Divine Heart with all hearts that love Thee and are consecrated to Thee; never permit me to take my heart from Thee again. Let me rather die than grieve Thy Adorable Heart. Thou knowest O Heart of Jesus, that the desire of my heart is to love Thee always, to be wholly Thine in life and in death, in time and in eternity.
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Sacred Heart of Jesus, I trust in Thee.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Falling Into You




In all honesty, I'm not sure where to begin with this post.
I haven't written a Faith-related post in such a long time.

Why? For the longest time, I've been dealing with a serious case of writer's block. But, I guess that's because I haven't addressed the serious issue behind it. My spirituality; my relationship with God. I've fallen short in this area. And without it, I fall apart in every which way. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually. When darkness rolls in, I can't think clearly, and I no longer can write. Deep within me, I believe God gifted me with the ability to write, and I've used it to my advantage to grow closer to Him. It's unfortunate, but I've allowed everything to fall apart. I've allowed life to get in the way once again. This is nobody's fault, but my own. I'm not going to lie. I miss the days when words flowed from the tips of my fingers and from my lips. When passion filled my soul. Though I've fallen astray, I'm still that person, deep within. I recall a day when I felt alive, when a whole different level of love was created, when I felt peace, and when I discovered myself as a person. I desire nothing more but to feel this once again.

Sometimes they say you have to hit rock bottom before things get better.
For some reason, this is how i've always been in dark periods. I have to hit my lowest point, before I can turn to the cross again. In all honesty, it has taken a song, and certain situation that I wanted to prevent..to wake me up.

The first part of the song goes like this:

"Don't wake me. I've fallen asleep. Don't hate me.
I have no relief. This burden is shredding my soul.
This cycle is out of control.
You call me as Your friend, as I drive these nails again.
I'm falling into You....."


This put my spiritual life into perspective. When we dont take time to be with Him, in the stillness and in the chaos, and when we sin, it breaks His heart. He so adrently desires to be adored. When we turn our backs on Him, we drive the nails into Him again. The result only ends up shredding our soul, leaving us vulnerable. As much as I hate to say it, it seems like it becomes a terrible cycle...to just push God aside. Once we do a little bit, it seems that Satan takes no time to slip through the cracks of our minds. He begins to feed lies, darkness, hopelessness, and you find yourself furthur than ever before. How he loves leading the Faithful astray.


Why does it have to be this way?
Darkness can end when we put an end to it. It doesn't have to stick around.
I seem to have warrior blood in me. I don't give up. And I will fight until I make something right.
I believe God has wanted me since I was young, to be a prayer warrior to defeat evil.
I must pray more. He thirsts for my love, and I thirst for His.

With that being said, I'm stepping out of the dark, and picking up my sword in this battle.
In my soul, I know that He is the source of light, truth, joy, peace, comfort, guidance, and all that I yearn for at this very moment. I wish to immerse myself in His ocean of love.
I want to fall in love all over again.
He's been patiently waiting for me to return, and now I want to come back to Him.
His love is all I want. It's all I need to sustain me.

If you happen to be reading this,
I kindly ask you to keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I get my spiritual life back on track...as I know it won't be easy. It is a battle, after all.


Last, but not least, the song that I was talking about:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-ordLRGUJE

Mortuum mundo, vivum in Christo.

~Layna


Side note:

I received a comment on my last post from someone named Steve...

Steve said...

"It is funny how brighter and brighter people who stand up for what is right become.

I say this in regards to people who 30 years ago said that swearing and porn were bad were kind of run of the mill type of people, average.

But now if you go to your friends and tell them that porn and swearing are bad you are looked upon as strange and kind of weird.

The world has gotten so much dark in the last couple of generations that to stand up for what is right is almost as rare as seeing a shooting star.

But I love how people like you, dave, and patrick (those are the other people who commented on your post) are shedding light into the world and giving the devil a BEATIN!!!!!!!!!!"


This comment actually brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you....for reminding me why I love writing.
I do want to be a light in the world.
I do want to fight evil. Indeed, the world is full of darkness. This is why we need people to pick up their swords in this battle between and evil. We need people that aren't afraid to stand up for what's right, what's good, and what's pleasing to our Lord. Though it may not always seem this way, good always triumphs over evil...

Monday, May 23, 2011

"To live your Faith, is to be a bright meteor shooting across the night sky."




Dear friends,

I apologize for not writing. I have been caught up in other things.
I've been dealing with some personal issues and some health issues. Basically, I was horribly sick for a week. I had horrible back pain that resulted in nausea. It was to the point where I thought I was dying. I'm okay now, though. Praise God! I also lost my job, so I've been looking for another one/trying to find out where God wants me. I just came back this morning from a scouting camp out, too.


This writing, was actually completely unplanned. But, it's based off something I realized after attending this camp out. It's odd. I have been involved with scouting/youth ministry leadership for quite a few years, and I've done so much preparation for each event I've ever taken part in. This weekend, I was working with cub scouts. And the program involved little preparation, but I think I took the most out of attending this camp out. Not by teaching. But by observing other kids that I didn't even teach.

I've gotten to know a lot of kids through scouting, but over the weekend, I was hanging out with 3 guys, and one guy in particular taught ME what it means to live the Faith. To live your Faith, is to be a bright meteor shooting across the night sky. Allow me to explain, Saturday evening, I was talking with the 3 guys. One guy was being rather "immoral" for a Catholic setting with his humor, one guy was kinda laughing at it all, and one guy was shaking his head at it all. The guy that was shaking his head told them to stop, and told them that they didn't need to be acting this way. Their "humor" didn't stop, but nor did he. Eventually, I think the guy that was laughing came around. I think he started to see that the other guy's humor wasn't okay. You may be wondering how this ties into my quote, though. "To live your Faith, is to be a bright meteor shooting across the night sky."

This day and age, we live in a dark world. A world that is very secular. A world that rejects the thought of God and religion. A world that doesn't care about what is holy and pure. We live in a world where abortion is okay, sex before marriage is okay, getting drunk and partying all night is okay. Darkness does not only involve"big" things. It can also involve smaller things like--immoral jokes, impure thoughts, and using bad language. There is a scripture verse in Romans that teaches us to be dead to sin, and alive in Christ. By living our Faith, rejecting what's wrong, and standing up for what's right we ARE alive in Christ. St. Catherine of Siena has a quote:






"If you are what you should be, you will set the world ablaze."





First off, the main thing we should "be" are good and holy people that are striving to enter the kingdom of Heaven. When someone stands up for what is true, and good, and wholesome....there's something attractive about it. To see someone set the world "ablaze" by standing up for what's right is beautiful, and it's almost enough to make me cry. It gives me proof that there's hope for humanity. So often, we get caught up in the darkness, so it's nice to see light. Christ is all knowing, all good, He is the way, the truth, and the life. And I suppose that's why it's beautiful. When I see someone stand up for what's right, I can see Christ in that person. And it reminds -me- to be a better person.

I have found that you can have hundreds of friends, be popular, and skilled in every aspect. But, if you're not "friends" with all of Heaven and don't care about right VS wrong, it doesn't matter. If you're the one who doesn't have many friends, but is strong in the Faith, and stands up for what's right, then you have ALL of Heaven on your side.
In reality, who is more alone?






The best advice I could ever give someone is this:





“Be the change you want to see in the world.” --Gandhi