Saturday, June 8, 2013
My dear friends,
I apologize for never writing and just disappearing. In all honesty, I have been through a lot since my last post. Work, meeting new people, experiencing new challenges, personal struggles, and spiritual struggles. I lost focus on my spirituality in a deep sense. While I still attended mass, I wasn't "devout". I went through a very dark and dry time. My prayer life became less and less and I got wrapped up in the world and it's struggles. I allowed the darkness to take over me. Writing has always been a hobby for me, but it has always been different. If my soul was right with God, then it would be His words and not my own. There were times where I would come back to my blog, start a headline, and I would stare blankly at the text box....I didn't know what to say. What could I say? I was so far from God, and no longer could hear Him, or feel Him working through me in a spiritual sense. I knew what was right, I desired God, but I had a hard time finding Him. I felt like anything I taught, wrote, or spoke of in my blog would be hypocritical because of where I was in my own spiritual life. In all honesty, when I write that's when I feel God present the most. (Aside from Mass and adoration). I know the most peace I had in my life when I was writing on here like crazy.
Recently, I left my home to go on Ignatian silent retreat up in Los Gatos, California with my Grandma. I stayed in California and took 6 weeks to really get my spiritual life back on track, which was probably the best experience of my life, and the retreat truly reset my entire way of thinking. I even have an entire new outlook on the religious life and I am discerning again. Some of you know that I was looking into the Children of Mary for a while, and I still am, but they don't feel "as high up" on my list anymore. When I was in California, I met a wonderful Catholic woman that is a 3rd order Carmelite and she taught me a lot about different orders. She mentioned the "Sisters of Mary Mother of the Church" in Spokane, WA. A very traditional order that does the Latin mass and has everything that I am interested in. Semi contemplative, prays for priests, works with the sick, does youth ministry, and works with music. http://www.sistersofmarymotherofthechurch.org
As for the retreat, I will be writing about the retreat another day, but right now I wish to say something else. I'm writing this for meditation purposes.
6 weeks ago today... I lost someone that meant a lot to me. A wonderful guy I met that was funny, sweet, and caring. I enjoyed spending time with him. Though I found it hard to comprehend, I accepted it. Though I didn't like it, I knew it was for the better. I would be lying if I said all is fine and well. I have days with a dull ache in my chest, where I still wonder why. Why did it end? Was it something I said or did? I foolishly start blaming myself. It wasn't until now I realized: We weep for the ones we love, but when it comes to God... the one who has never left our sides...how often do we weep for Him? How often are we like Jesus in the garden, seeking help from the Father? How often do our hearts hunger for Him? He cries for us, and ardently thirsts to be loved. Why aren't we running back to Him? Why is it just so easy for us to forget that He is the only one that will never leave us? If you asked me to describe what it feels like to fall in love with God, I would describe it as a never ending poem that you fall in love with. Not just any poem, but a poem written so eloquently, a poem so simplistic, but leaves you breathless. After each line, you crave more, and when you finally reach the heart of the poem, you feel His hands embracing your soul. You know Him. You know yourself. You know love. You know God. This, in itself, is enough.
Act of Consecration to the Sacred Heart of Jesus
O Adorable Heart of Jesus, the tenderest, the most amiable, the most generous of allhearts! Penetrated with gratitude at the sight of Thy benefits, I come to consecrate myself wholly and unreservedly to Thee! I wish to devote all my energies to propating Thy worship and winning, if possible, all hearts to Thee.
Receive my heart this day, O Jesus. Or rather take it, change it, purify it, to render it worthy of Thee; make it humble, gentle, patient, faithful, and generous like Thine, by inflaming it with the fire of Thy love. Hide it in Thy Divine Heart with all hearts that love Thee and are consecrated to Thee; never permit me to take my heart from Thee again. Let me rather die than grieve Thy Adorable Heart. Thou knowest O Heart of Jesus, that the desire of my heart is to love Thee always, to be wholly Thine in life and in death, in time and in eternity.
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Sacred Heart of Jesus, I trust in Thee.
Posted by Layna at 2:34 AM